The self destruct button is a green one.

My thoughts on Glastonbury from the comfort of in front of my telebox...


1.Sure eyebrows were raised but Kings Of Leon have everything to be a headliner, shit-load of tunes with a tee and great hair...its all i look for anyway.

2.The Winehouse-o-meter

0-5 Blake mentions- she's laying it on a bit thick but we'll let her away with it
6-10 Blake mentions- well this is distracting
11-15 Blake mentions- she knows he's just a scummy convict right?
16-73 Blake mentions- Somebody get that big-haired bitch of the stage

3."oh noes its the smug lizards that are The Ting Tings"

4.BBC3-ensuring that you can see The Pigeon Detectives in all their pubic haired haircut glory at any hour of the day

5.Alice Practice is a great song, Crystal Castles are muck live and Alice Glass is the kind of girl who would annoy you to look at.

6.If the Mandela escapade was anything to go by I'm the only one but i would watch Jason Pierce play all day.

7.I don't care if Ryan does want to wear a dress The Cribs are still the best British band of the last five years.

8.People who doubted Jay-Z are dumb, as if seventy thousand middle class white people throwing their diamonds in the sky wasn't gonna be the most entertaining thing of the whole weekend.

9.A year ago to the week Fight Like Apes opened for La Faro in the Limelight...silly.

10.Spend five minutes with me and you'll know my love of the phrase "play the singles so we can all go home" but seriously Ashcroft, ya gotta hold SOMETHING back.

11.I don't like to be repetitive(who are we kidding? I love to be repetitive)but man, The National are so, so awesome.

12.It's not cos she's fat, its not cos she doesn't shave, its not cos she's a lesbian, its not cause she's trailer trash its cos she's just plain shit.

13.We're all happy Panic At The Disco dropped the emo-ness(but not the exclaim-i like a sense of urgency) but what happened exactly? They just woke up one day and thought "y'know what maybe daddy did pay me enough attention as a child after all"?

14.Nothing Compares 2 U is the greatest cover song of all time. Why try and re-cover it Hot Chip...bush league!

15.Martha Wainwright on at 12 in the afternoon? its ok Martha, i still love you.

16.Don't get me wrong if anyone could pull off becoming self-appointed royalty its Solomon Burke(he wrote Don't Give Up On Me for chrissakes) but calling yourself King Solomon Burke is just weird.

17.I understand Zutons bloke, i know its an easy mistake to make but going out with a beautiful girl when you're not a beautiful man is not an excuse to stop getting haircuts...you look ridiculous.


Jay,
If G'N'R really wanted to get back together they could just get donna from That 70's Show to be Axel.
{o,o}
)__)
-"-"-

Now with 100% less Sex And The City...

Nobodys home...

Hmmm, this room's crowning achievement is that it contains my single favourite and least favourite memories...which aint bad for one room i guess.

One year equals- six crates,two cones, one road sign, one unidentifiable purple thing(my money is on giant's frisbee) and urm one toilet.







When one feels strange(r) he all too frequently finds himself wandering the streets late at night with the sole purpose of finding purpose.

Jay
Would you like to read my mind for free?
{o,o}
)__)
-"-"-

I was happier playing with my lego

1.

There was a time when everyone ran around saying thirty was the new twenty...well now it appears that twenty is the new forty. I am twenty and still single...is this the kind of thing i should be concerned with? Oh noes, what if there isn't much time left for me to woo one of the laydeez into settling down? What if I'm left to books and records forever more?

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SOMEBODY MARRY ME!!!

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pfft bebo never gave me this shit.

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2. http://gizmodo.com/5018990/lego-secret-vault-contains-all-sets-in-history

Just imagine it...you could make yourself a world out of lego...a literal lego land...not that like demon world that currently goes under that moniker.

*pink haze around the edge of the screen and some do-de-do music*

an eight year old me is sitting patiently in his little lego car taking the lego land driving test. When all of a sudden a thought occurs, these lights have been red forever...what if they never change?...what if im stuck forever in some kind of lego car purgatory? Not this guy i think to myself and shoot on over to the other lane and drive past those who have yet to display my ingenuity.

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Cue lots of angry danish people yelling what i assume equated to "you cant do that you miniature mad man!"

*end of pink haze and some more do-de-do music*

lessons learned

• Never trust anyone who only has a lego land drivers licence
• Legoland is no place for a free thinking maverick like myself

3. A great philosopher (Carrie Bradshaw) once pondered how different her life would be if she was always five minutes earlier. I imagine it would be wholly different. For instance had i been five minutes early yesterday i would have listened intently to charity girl she would have been bowled over by my wit and charm and clear interest in her charity of choice, "i can tell you more over coffee" she'd have said, "screw coffee, facebook tells me my biological clock is ticking, lets get married" says I, "i like your moxy, lets go for it" she would reply...and that's the story of how five minutes earlier Jonathan met your mother. The scenario with five minutes later Jonathan goes alot like this "Excuse me, you wouldn't happen to have a minute to talk would you?" says the charity girl, "sorry I'm late to meet someone" i reply...try making a TV show out of that.

.

4. Damn you Lamontagne! i wasnt ready for burn...thought i was...i was not.

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Jay,

one day, we're gonna laugh about this, oh how we'll laugh

{o,o}

)__)

-"-"-

Im a little like the anti-shaft...

...in the sense that i'm not a complicated man, im a very simple man-child, the kind of fellow who says things like "ya can shove yer halo 4, computer games were better when it was just avoiding barrels thrown by an inexplicably angry monkey". As such the following rather simple things make life worth smiling through...

• Cartoons...not your witty satirical cartoons exposing the foibles of society, nope none of that for me. Im talking Wile E. Coyote running off the edge of a cliff and gravity only takes effect when he looks down type thing...ive spent the better part of my afternoons lolzing all over the shop at this kinda thing.

• The noise that rice crispies make. You know that ad where the kids practically dip their faces in their cereal bowl to count the snap, crackle and pops...those kids knew how to have a good time.

• The fact that the face-wash, smells just like the pop-corn jelly beans.
  

• Soccerball, unlike life, is full of certainties. The Germans will beat a far superior footballing team utiliising only their sheer efficiancy(check), the team i support will lose in the most excruciatingly painfull way known to man, Poor Croatia, poor brave Croatia(check) and the Dutch will storm through the groups only to cock-up in the knockout stages(check). For that reason and that reason alone, i took great pleasure in Spain beating Italy in a proper game for the first time since my great-granda was just a glint in my great-great granda's eye.
  

• Singing Frightened Rabbit in my very best Scottish accent for days on end.

"I'llllll wait with Snake, He's soft inside but not as soft as you, I looooove Snake, But i love you more he's no substitute, I'lll wait with youuuu sooooon" (<3)

"JONATHAN!!!!!!!"

"Yes, sir mumsington?"

"please, PLEASE stop pretending to be Scottish!"

"no can do imafraid"

"grrrr"

• Forcing Miffy to do the Gilmore Girls theme tune dance so im not doing it by myself...cos that would be crazy...certainly crazier than treating a rabbit like a person...ROYSH???

• Getting bored so hitting the view next blog button a few times...lots of crazy Americans posting pictures of their kids. I kinda assumed it would be geekish bedroom boys with nothing better to do...i have no idea what made me think that...none at all...nope not a clue. *shifts awkwardly in chair*

urm yeah see my next installment for pictures of me and my kids doing stuff...ya gotta move with the times i guess...il give the blogging public what they want.

J.A.Y,

Get well soon Carl, co-captain of the good ship albion,

RIP George Carlin, general ledgend.

{o,o}
)__)
-"-"-

THE END IS NIGH!!!

because frankly the only way to describe this weekend's weather is biblical

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and it only took three posts to out my inner geek...gaaaaaaaaah!

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Jay,

hoping your day was as awesome(seriously, we may be talking top10 ever) as mine

.

{o,o}

)__)

-"-"-

(dude, who shrunk my(R's) owl?)

Why do you only speak in song lyrics???

1. "I wish that i believed in fate//I wish I didn't sleep so late"

• On the news that the nice engerlish people had the audacity to give me a 55 (if Hannah Hazlett does NOT get hives, Jonathan Bradley does NOT get fifty fives) I've realised that my standards are slowly but ever so steadily slipping. Now, i could have done great things in an educational sense(i got mad smartz) but i don't apply myself and such. What if it was, dare i say it fate? You see if i continue to make no effort then I'm finished with education in twelve months, throwing me into a world of not really knowing what do to do with myself(dun-dun)...and what does every bearded adolescent who thinks he knows everything do when he doesn't know what to do? He runs off to find the meaning of life in a series of bizarre countries...and that is what i'll do i think because its the kind of thing that i really should try and probably wont if i end up perpetually studying for the rest of my life. So, my lack of motivation-fate?...That's the story and we're sticking to it
• Today was perhaps the shortest day of the year(either way we're in the ball park, its within three days of here) which means only one thing, having finally sorted out that whole nightmare problem, I'm plagued by another nuisance affecting my sleep. Not a big nuisance but one that's very definitely there(kinda like Payton's Texan accent in One Tree Hill). How is one supposed to sleep when the sun comes up at 3.30? And if one doesn't get to sleep how is one supposed to get up? Its a vicious cycle. Days are passing me by! OH THE HUGE MANATEE

2. "I really do, fear that I'm dying//I really do fear that I'm dead"

I was gonna go with "baby, don't fear the reaper" but i do...oh how i do...and blue oyster cult are shoite. Anyhoo ive had a pain in/on my chest for days now and on the off chance this takes me out(itl take very little to kill me, I'm one of those people who avoids doctors just in case they find something wrong) i need one of you to ensure the following happens

• My tombstone must read "If you'd read my blog you'd have seen this coming..."
• My funeral must feature the songs "Lay me low" by Nick Cave and The Bad Seeds, "There is a Light That Never Goes Out" by The Smiths and most importantly "Hello" by Lionel Ritchie
• Assuming the absence of a beautiful girl bawling in the front row about how i was 'the one' pay some attractive passer by so that the assembled masses think i was a playa yo'.
  

3. "All this talk of getting old//It's getting me down my love"

I spent quite some time adopting this position, that was until Friday. I, like any sensible person, was fearful of getting old and just generally becoming an embarrassment to society with my love of the nineties and socialisation of the noughties making it impossible for me to be cool in the twenties. But something has dawned on me...these middle-aged people...they simply don't give a fuck. Its not that they've become relics, they just don't care anymore. The guys running round playing air guitar on their leg(did anybody ever think "YEAH! I wanna party with THAT guy"), the woman that wave alternate arms above their head in an a-rhytmic fashion, the people who think they're displaying their wacky side by wearing a tee-shirt that says "FCUK On The Beach"these people were never cool, but now they have the freedom to do as they please cos people expect nothing more...imagine THAT freedom...glorious.

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4. "All dressed up with nowhere to go//Welcome to my one man show"

If One Tree Hill* taught us that the soundtrack to the television mid-twenties melt down is provided by The National the soundtrack to any televsion relationship breakdown should be provided by The Police. 'So Lonely' into 'Every Breath You Take' into 'I Can't Stand Losing You'...ok maybe not any relationship breakdown...but some...y'know like a really intense one? fine Celine Dion covering "All By Myself" and Gloria Gaynor for you then...jeez just trying to be a bit different s'all.

5."Now I got a job//But it don't pay//I need new clothes//I need somewhere to stay"

One of the great myths about having a job is that you will have money...yup despite all the explosive diarrhea in a urinal, the glass splinters, the bottle aimed at my head, the "why weren't you here on Saturday" "that's cos i was told not to" "well you should have been here anyway" i still am short of that pesky rent money and that excess money i need to adhere to the social convention of buying new fabric to cover myself in every so often...whaddaaaaajip. amiriiight? amiiriiight?

*Two One Tree Hill references in one blog? Yup, what of it punk?

jay,

Pinkyswearing that tomorrow will be a better day,

{o,o}

)__)

-"-"-

Happy Moving Day

because frankly my musings were clogging up my myspace

1.How important is variety? I'm horribly embarrassed if anyone asks my favourite band and favourite album in the same breath. Having to mutter "um the answer to both questions is The Smiths" is just not pleasant. While some of the blame must go to Moz for being unimaginitive enough to have an eponymously titled debut the fact remains that I'd much rather say "while my favourite band are the the ridiculously popular Smiths my favourite album is an obscure bedroom project that you've never heard of". Really, I'd just be much happier if nobody ever asked me questions regarding my music taste. Next time i will just walk off...don't think i wont, i did it to Linkin Park girl didn't i?

2.On to the subject of obscure bedroom projects nobody has ever heard of, the high point of the day(don't get excited its been a really really dull day to date) is Feed the animals. I have affection by the truck load for Girl Talk and his Frankenstein like creations. Highlights of this most recent incarnation include lollipop over the riff from scar tissue, the cure seamlessly into The Police with some crazy rap over the top,lithium and salt n' pepper(i think), Jay-Z over Paranoid Android...in fact no, just the whole thing is great, the man is a genius. Also he's gone and done a Radiohead so its for free if you're that way inclined...which i am temporarily but I'll buy the real version when it comes out...swearsies.

3.I wonder how seriously other people take fashion faux-pas. I mean everyone laughs at socks and sandals etc but before getting dressed today(I'll not go into detail about times but i didn't feel like resigning myself to the tyranny of trousers until it was absolutely necessary) i was walking around my house in boxers and a tee-shirt, when passing the mirror i recoiled in horror as i realised i had combined a navy tee shirt with black boxers...it looked awful, just awful...there is only one thing to do from here on out, start co-ordinating my underwear with my tee shirt choices. The question remains, how normal is this or is it straight from ocdville?

4.In TV cliches up there along with slutty cheerleader and maverick cops who get the job done dammit is the self-loathing narcissist. Yet its always used as an insult, "i could never love you, you're just a self-loathing narcissist" etc. Maybe its time people realised that, it's a perfectly natural condition. Most human beings are worth being loathed, narcissists are forced to think about themselves all the live long day, naturally they wont like what they find, ergo self-loathing. G'wan just try and think about yourself all day...not being a self-loathing narcissist is quite an achievment.

5. Congrats Jamie-Lynn. Would have been a hearty congrats if it wasn't for the porn-star name you gave you're child but hey. Sure Nickelodeon are distraught but what better way to teach the youth about the dangers of adolescence than expose the results of promiscuous teenage sex. Surely its better to educate by examples like this than by having ugly-afro'd up kids thinking they can hook up with the most popular girl in school by sending a well timed "i love you.xxx" text message?* Because that kids, doesn't happen, unwanted and unplanned bundles of joy do.

*did he just reference a specific Zoe 101 episode i hear you ask? Why yes, yes i did.


jay,
wishing you an owl day,
{o,o}
)__)
-"-"-