if you've ever found yourself thinking...

man i would like to support Jonathan in all his journalistic endeavours


THEN


this is the blog for you

tracemagazine.wordpress.com


that's right...this time last year i was just a young cub with a pocket full of dreams wanting to make a fanzine...twelve months on that dream has died...this blog is all that's left.

tell your friends' parents

Sick of all these pansy ass epidemics

Swine Flu? aye, that scared the shoite outta everyone for about eight minutes

"you've got a nerve to be asking a favour//you've got a nerve to be calling my number//havent we been through this before?//Cant you hear me calling out your name//cant you hear me banging on your door"

Have you ever listened, I mean really listened to Living La Vida Loca?

I have...I have

"a heart thats full up like landfill//a job that slowly kills you//bruises that wont heal"

Good golly if i don't love a good dramatic montage

But does Laurent Robert not seem slightly out of place here?



Alliteration really is an advertisers best friend. Last day of the season sunday? nope. See who stays up Sunday? Not quite. Premiership retention Sunday? Not even close. Survival Sunday? Now that sets the heart a-racing

I think i'll miss you most of all

"You said I'd be the one you remember as self-obsessed//Cause every fucking word that I tell you is really self-addressed"

Something Is Squeezing My Skull

I accidentally wore a Morrissey t-shirt on his 50th birthday

i really hope no-one thought it was intentional

"to die by your side//well the pleasure, the privledge is mine"

The much heralded return of the week...

is Star Trek...this is just my return to blogging

i can't commit to long posts anymore, so instead you're just gonna get my thought of the day, some will say im revolutionising blogging...others will say im just copying Matthew.

so here it is...

roast chicken and brown bread...there could not be a more boring sandwich, its the Mr. Dawson of sandwiches

i know what your thinking, three years on an his idea of topical humour remains his a-level history teacher? Yes, unashamedly so, tune in tomorrow when i shall no doubt lay the hate on ol' man ferris

"i know im alone if im with or without you//but just being around you offers me another form of relief//when the loneliness leads to bad dreams//and the bad dreams lead me to calling you//and i call you and say C'mere"

Musings on the first week of the baseball season

1. Jason Bay remains the most vanilla man on earth



2. I have never witnessed less baseball in the opening week, rain-outs, work, formals, west coast time zones mean that today's game, the sixth of the season...SIXTH, is the first sox game i shall see in its entirety



3. Laura's belief that every routine fly ball will be dropped will no doubt have been strengthened by the mets allowing two runs to score on what is the third out 9999999/10000000



4. The Marlns defence is absolutely horrible



5.Their pitching however, is going to be surprisingly solid



6. My belief that picking dreamboat in my fantasy team would kick-start his stuttering career has proved sadly overly optimistic



7. On the subject, for a guy with a job, a degree in progress and a girlfriend i spend far too much time devoted to fantasy baseball


8. Poor V-tek...even the umpire was surprised when you actually hit the ball

9. "Why did I sign with the Nationals? When you go to a club at four in the morning, and you're just waiting, waiting, a 600-pounder looks like J. Lo. And to me this is Jennifer Lopez right here. It's four in the morning. Too much to drink. So, the Nationals: Jennifer Lopez to me."

Oh Julian Tavarez...rarely have i enjoyed watching someone pitch less...however you remain unintentionally hilarious

10. Rest in peace

"you made it clear you didnt care//you never did pretend//at least in the end//you'd never try and fuck my friends"

He's not heavy, he's my brother

I love him to death...i really do...he is one of my favourite people in the universe

but tom cruise in top gun would have rejected those sunglasses for being too big

this is what happens when you dont allow comments on your blog

also f.a.o gavin and only gavin

it was just easiest this way...i like the draw strings...god i love 90's nostalgia

"STOP!!!//ahhhhhhhhhhh-ahhhhhhhhh-ahhhhhh haaaaaa"

Now i think its alright to feel inhuman, now i think thats a r-i-i-i-ot

3.30

"well, jonathan, wednesday crew drinks?"

"aye, i probably have enough time for one"

7.30

"so i had a chat last night"

"what kind of chat"

"a we need to talk chat"

"how'd that end"

"we broke up"

"shit one, sorry man"

"so here's what im saying...if it comes down to it, the rip?"

"im ever so sorry, but having enjoyed a few too many social beverages last night im not sure it would be clever of me to partake in, as you have called it the rip...tally ho."

i dont know how to be this man...but this is very much the man i need to be

im almost convinced my teeth are hungover

fuck that shit

"from one moment to the next, 1000 wasted brooklyners all depressed//the ins and outs of supper's chest//he'll only be your friend if he touches your breasts"

A kiss to say goodmorning//and a kiss to say goodnight//its not perfect but it sounds alright

cos its not like i know what else to do with the next year...aye...oh you'll miss me dammit...you'll miss me good...its just like kylie minougue said





<> I know its my fault...how about you cunt away off?


<> "i wish a man would arise in me//so the man i am would cease to be" that may be a slight mis-quote...as if im arsed going all the way over to the Tennyson book to check


<>just in case quoting poetry was all getting a bit much for you, some english class discussions...english classes are increasingly a joke


"did you read that book?//aye it was pretty grim for a while but then two girls almost get their lezz on"...the derryness of some people astounds me


"no, of course i dont relate, i dont have a problem with my dad, she clearly fucking did....fuck, sorry...carried away" three weeks of sylvia plath clearly took its toll on ryan



<> noise at night time...why thats how hitler started the nazis...aye


<>there are few things as forlorn as seeing the last cigarette in a packet broke in two by an oncoming fat girl refusing to adjust her stomping route...well there's one...seeing an attempt to smoke said cigarette by holding it together with spit


<>wait...what?...i thought we didnt talk...oh disco hair...how you confuse me


<>one of these days the concept of a wednesday fuck will be understood...one day




"forget those jobs, ive had them all//forget the brawl gone unresolved//forget the rent, you know ive spent it all?//on excessive alcohol"


because im moving to mexico...well...really i just love the blood arm more than should be possible for a band of their obvious deficiencies

This is not the pre-summer i was anticipating...

--If this cold does not die soon...something will



--This new phone is nat helping my mid-life crisis...i cannot make the change from nokia to ericsson...i feel like my granny no doubt did when we all tried to push her away from vhs and towards dvd




--I may be watching too much Curb Your Enthusiasm...ive started to revel in the awkwardness of my everyday life...not sitting in a room full of derry people with nowt to say tho...thats getting a little TOO awkward


--With it being a mere four days post birthday it is a poor time to say this...but i need these items in my loife















my love of all things psychotic yellow is getting a bit much...no doubtaboutit




--I cant wait to finish my degree and go back to reading things i choose to read...eleven kinds of loneliness looks a good read...i shall spend tomorrow reading some nabokov critical fiction...sigh



--While...yes...i may have been horribly drunk...gawd i do love gavikins so...the state of some of those pill heads...tsk tsk


--Speaking of my love of gavin...the house situation...this is...well...this is just not great, is it...its not cricket...thats fo' sho




*rant*

i may not come home for an age...i mean really...thats an awful lot of complaining...mostly about me never coming home...im home more often than most people i know...oh the horrible irony

*rant*



--im not sure i can take a kanye and radiohead feud...it'd be like if those shoes fell out with that watch


--its not my imagination...white lies are shit, yeah? good



"I'll never have a change of heart,My swan will never sing//I have no heart, the swan is gone//And now I wear the wings//You know I dreamed about you//For 29 years before//I saw you//You know I dreamed about you//I missed you for 29 years"

Well...fuck this for a game of soldiers

i am running seriously low on time to say "died young, stayed pretty"

ruth and gerard...they're my guys

my mother didnt even send a card

"cos one day they were just like you//drinking, smoking cigs and sniffing glue//help the aged"

Cotton candy and a rotten mouth//You know i couldnt help but have it for you

what a terrific waste of time any/all attempts to salvage all that were, eh?


moving on,


how good is dark was the night?


do i care particularly that no one else has listened to it?


no, not much really


blither, i remain horribly ungot by the people i meet


anthony and the johnsons syndrome, i suppose


yes, to conclude, moving on


"if there's no-one beside you when your soul embarks//I will follow you into the dark"

"I've got two ears and a heart, dont i?"

If someone says ''I love you,'' to me, I feel as though I had a pistol pointed at my head. What can anybody reply under such conditions but that which the pistol-holder requires? ''I love you, too."

The horrible irony, of course, is that its impossible not to love kurt vonnegut

"the landlord asks if we've seen 'em//she'll set traps, but i just spring 'em//my roommates say we should kill them all//but they'll stay up with me//the nights you never call//on those nights you never call"

Whats got two fingers and dont give a fuck?

One must ponder, if the answer is this man, what exactly was the question?

i can only assume its all part of 'arry's plan to do the unthinkable

first they came back for defoe, but we did not speak out cos we we're sick of 4-5-1

then they came back for Pascal, but we did not speak out cos we kinda missed his silly hair

and then they came back for rSol, but we did not speak out cos we were just used to this kind of shit by now

he's an evil genius, our harry

and yet no word on a return for steeeeeeeeeeeeeeed, my heart it bleeds

and just in case all this isnt enough for you...Jermain Defoe may not have been elligible for the Carling Cup Semi Final...in which he played

Wilson Palacios a nation turns its lonely eyes to you

"You're looking skinny like a model with your eyes all painted black//Just keep going to the bathroom, always say you'll be right back//Well, it takes one to know one, kid, I think you've got it bad//But what's so easy in the evening by the morning's such a drag//I got a flask inside my pocket, we can share it on the train//And if you promise to stay conscious I will try and do the same//We might die from medication, but we sure killed all the pain//But what was normal in the evening by the morning seems insane"

and if i forget you, il have no-one left to forget//but i guess thats what assholes get

()

"Because there’s nothing like referencing plays you’ve never heard of"

Word...they must know though...they must...given that the plays mentioned are coincidentally the ones that are also referenced on Wikipedia...I'm a terrible student...just terrible

()

"i fell in love with football, like i would later fall in love with women, without the slightest bit of thought to the pain it would cause me in the future"

Fuck You Tottenham Hotspur, Fuck You With A Stick

()

"27th March - Animal Collective - Stiff Kitten"

HELLZ CHEH

"I'll suck off investors//ill suck off VCs//im losing my posture from time on my knees//they treat me so well//cause I'll do anything in the nature of service//but i need you to disprove my theory of the crows"

Jesus loves the Stooges

Rest in peace dude



"No fun to be around//Walking by myself//No fun to be alone//In love with nobody else//Well maybe go out, maybe stay home//maybe call Mom on the telephone"

Hang time is the worst acted show evar

my first post of the year was about Blossom...clearly it was meant to be this...i just carried away with all the big hats

Good Craic in 2008

1) Spurs winning the Carling Cup
2)Pukkelpop
3)The National in the Mandela-ela-ela
4)Euro 2008 and tins
5)Something else surely? There must have been five? oh...of course...the day we watched under siege one and two back to back followed by moonwalker...that was awesome


Poor Craic in 2008

1) Third year of uni
2) Never having any money
3) Having to sell my E.P ticket for rent money
4) The mass disappearance of Kyle M McNeely
5) Spurs being a jokeshop

Top Tunage of 2008

1) Frightened Rabbit - The Midnight Organ Fight
2) Magnetic Fields - Distortion
3) The Jane Bradfords - The Jane Bradfords
4) Why? - Alopecia
5) Bon Iver - For Emma, Forever Ago

The Big Boys Dont Cry Moments of 2008

1) The Packers losing in the NFC championship game
2) Dimitar leaving me to face up to the night all by myself
3) The eighteenth of June oh eight
4) When Entourage got seriously emotional for a while there
5) That time i had a pro-evo goal wrongly ruled out for offside


The awww lads...lads...no seriously lads...moments of 2008

1) Andrew on that Wednesday
-------------------------------
2) Tommy bathroom confusion on his 21st
3) Gavin's beer wine and vodka extravaganza
4) Kyle into a Disney bag
5) My "well i may be fucked beyond recognition but i have all the sweets, i win" Shine experience


The Comedy Pulls of 2008

1) Ian "sticking the neck into" Carly after three seconds
2) Gerard snaking Rigsy's(admittedly rather hawt) ex
3) Andrew's Xmas Market altercation with Charlotte...well i was amused...gav not so much
4) Gav in work..."GAVIN MOORE, GAVIN MOORE, GAVIN MOORE"
5) BGA and the KKK-technically in 2008...just


The reddners of 2008

1) The condoms in the Sandhurst Kitchen incident
2) Una and her general lack of knocking
3) Me and Ryan's habit of wearing the same shirt to Tesco
4) Sinead O'Connor emotional moments(can i mention the same night twice...yes...i think its warranted)
5) Melissa's night of falling down

Quotes of the Year 2008(one offs)

1) Ive got an oedipus complex...for yer ma - (Tommy)
2) Thats why i keep baby wipes by my bed - (Fran)
3) I like him alright...i just wouldnt trust him to do construction work (Mark)
4) She was 23 and french...23 AND FRENCH...boudoir is a FRENCH word - (Bob)
5) -Which one of these are you macking on...i want the other, they're both slamming
-well, im going out with this one and the other is her lesbian sister sooooo....
-first of all...you're hitting that?...HELL YEAH, thats why you're my boy...second of all, a lesbian?...i should be upset but this is awesome...finally...FINALLY...my life is like a Weezer song (Ryan)

Quotes of the year 2008(repeated)
1) Cos we're from the estate (Ryan...ignoring that a Saintfield estate isnt quite the same but anyway)
2) Yer Auld Doll (Gerard)
3) Fucked...proper fucked...lads(unknown...someone connected to Ruth)
4) Get 'er bucked...Keep 'er lit...yeooooooooo(Pukkelpop collective)
5) William hach motherfucking jeebus...Christ (dying in brussels)


"there are things i'd like to do//but i dont know if they will be with you"

My opination on Blossom at 7.22 in the ay em

1. Why are they always in love...i mean...everytime they're in a relationship...its all "we're in love"...eugh...its sickening

2.Stoppit with the funny wordplay-you're not seinfeld

3. Why would you be two peas in a pot?

4.Old people arent funny...c'mon...everyone knows that

5.WAIT-they werent Jewish to begin with...thats just bizarre

6.OHHHHHH EMMMMMMM GEEEEEEEE...its ZACK MORRIS....look everyone...ZACK!!!...ZACK IS IN BLOSSOM

7.I would give almost anything to be Joey Lawrence in the 80's

8.This remains the worst theme tune of all time

9.Blossom is hotter than i remember...maybe i just need to sleep more

10. I, too, love infomercials

11. Wait a minute...is his catchphrase "eeeeehh"?...but thats the fonz's catchphrase

12.I hate six...gawd she's stupid

Hang time is on in fifteen minutes...this is the kind of quality tee vee you can only get when normal people are in bed


"And so as I have mentioned, the shelf-life was short//the plan wasn't working, despite what I thought//My ladies all left me alone in the end//so I had to switch the names around and sing it again//Every life-long-love, and every best friend, slips away into the past//Take my words with caution//I can't pretend that you're the first//and you won't be the last"